My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
God, I missed his penis.
Randomize