You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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