life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Randomize
