Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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