coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Randomize
