I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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