If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
