I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
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