oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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