Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Randomize
