if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
