I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Randomize
