the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
