I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Randomize
