He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize
