1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
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