mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
