You don't have asthma, your pregnant
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
