woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
