Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
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