I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
On another note I am sitting in my bed naked, buzzed, and working on a notecard for my 8:00am test tomorrow. I think I need to make better choices.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Randomize
