My girlfriend figured out who you are.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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