I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize
