So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
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