I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Randomize
