Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize