I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
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