I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
