You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
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