I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Randomize
