and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Randomize
