I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
Holy sore nipples Batman
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Randomize
