im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
