I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
