u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
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