see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
