I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize