so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
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