Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Randomize
