There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
