If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
