When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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