dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Randomize
