My first STD was from a foam party
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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