Fuck?...well quicky, i have to study...unless you can read my book while i bang you, then it can last four chapters
I can be that talented
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize
