Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
