Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
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