Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
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