I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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