He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
