just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize