I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
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