i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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