first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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