my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
Randomize
