Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
When did angry sex become our thing?
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
Randomize
