cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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