Swine flu. Run for my life!
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
Randomize