I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Randomize
