And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
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