I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
