Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
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