im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
