Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
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