i mean i cnt help that this campus has the highest STI rate
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Randomize
