To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
my god I love twenty year old dicks
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
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