you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
