she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
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