She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Randomize
