I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
