Me too!
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Randomize
