i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Randomize
