She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
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