Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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