is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
