On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
Who died my cat blue again?
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
