you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
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